Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Stand clear. Luggage doors operating.

I hate traveling by Bus Eireann. Not just because of how delightfully charming the bus drivers are, but because every time I do travel on the shit tanks that they call buses, it feels as if I'm on a daily outing for old age pensioners. They clog up the queues, coughing and chatting and politely nudging you out of the way, as you stand there wondering if a prison sentence is a fair trade for the things you'd like to do. Then, to make matters worse, they sit beside you. Not because there aren't any other seats, but because they know that invading your personal space will most definitely get your back up. It's a conspiracy that sprung up in bingo halls all across the country in the late 80s. Annoy the younger generation as much as possible and they'll be less likely to travel by bus; in turn making Bus Eireann a mass moving old folks home. It's a takeover. An invasion. And most frightening thing is; it's already happened.

Even worse is when they sit on the opposite side of the bus and stare at you, with their hands resting politely in their laps. Old women are the worst for this. They smile at you, but not in a nice way. No. It's an evil smile. They know what their mission is. It's you, and more importantly, your annoyance.

Is there any wonder why Bus Eireann drivers are so pissed off all of the time? They practically spend their days transporting the entire elderly population of Ireland all around the country. And while I don't have the sources to back my claims up (Wikipedia didn't have an article on this), I'm willing to bet that more bus drivers kill themselves every year than any other kind of profession.

Moving on from old people: Why the fuck do Bus Eireann feel the need to have the heating on during the summer? I know that Ireland isn't exactly Barbados or anything, but that still doesn't mean that we should be cooked alive. Last Summer, at the end of May, I had to stomach a one and a half hour bus drive where the heating was on at full blast and the sun was glaring in through the window, turning the bus into a factory for human sweat. To make matters worse, somebody in the back of the bus decided that it would be a pretty good idea to vomit everywhere. I felt as if I was on my way to Auschwitz.

In conclusion: Old people are shit and so is Bus Eireann.


  1. The guy who does the voice of doors opening is such a fucking hick as well.

    "luggage do-ers operrcchhating, 2 hang sangich and a curry chip pliz lawrherance, g'luck g'luck g'luck"

    You should try the bus from dublin to waterford some friday evening.

    Delightful, so many black babies and shouting scumbags.

    I'm so glad i got a car.

  2. Bus Eireann are the single reason behind me having a car.
    The bus form Dublin to Navan is a particular treat.
    I was on it once and the driver stopped walked to where I was sitting and told me to get off the bus because I had been smoking. I don't smoke. But the old fucker behind me did. I pointed that out to him to which his IQ replied: "It couldn't have been him, he's elderly".

    Fuck right off.

  3. FYI, not all old people are bad, you disrespectful jerk. If you're neither old nor dead, then you'll be old one day.