Sunday, April 5, 2009

Twitter is for self-loving cocks

Twitter is a website that aims to highlight exactly how boring and mundane people’s lives can be. Official statistics, released by the US Government, show that suicides have more than tripled since the website became popular, as men and women alike suddenly began to realise that life is all about eating and taking bathroom breaks. Still however, its user-base, which consists of self-absorbed assholes that seem to believe that their latest trip to the local shop is somehow an interesting piece of news for friends, continues to grow as more and more people get sucked into this mass orgy of self-importance. I myself decided to have a gander at the website a few weeks ago in order to see what all the fuss was about. I found some guy’s page and began to read a few of his updates. It was somewhere in between reading about what DVD he had rented and his buying of cat food that I decided to cut my Internet connection with a hacksaw and set my laptop on fire.

The amount of self-love that it takes for someone to go through the hassle of posting updates about how they just fed their dog or boarded a train could fuel the entire world if somebody somewhere managed to turn into a viable energy solution. If one day I do somehow manage to gain control over the Twitter website, I will straight away put some kind of system in place that will send back replies to anyone posting updates. Exciting news bulletins such as “jus aftr buyin a new book” will be promptly met by system standard replies such as “Nobody cares” or “Post one more boring piece of shit news and I will find you and kill you in your sleep.” It’s just a real shame that the average Twitter user is boring and incapable of doing anything more exciting than getting a parking ticket, because the system itself does have some potential. Imagine if a serial killer were to use Twitter? He could end up posting stuff such as “Just buried the body. Going for coffee now” or “Haha, just murdered a prostitute. And I think that I might be coming down with the flu =(“.

4 comments:

  1. This is my new favourite blog.

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  2. Like you, I don't love Twitter at all. But that doesn't mean I like you either.

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  3. Twitter's for self-lovin' cocks? Thay's comin' from a narcissistic asshole who's you.

    ReplyDelete