Monday, April 20, 2009

Satan is a pussy. Worship me instead.

Don’t you just hate those pretentious angst-riddled teenagers who say that they worship Satan in the hope that others will view them as dark and grim? It’s just a pity for them that the dark being they supposedly worship is a just few career moves away from having his own fashion show. Read on. I’ll tell you why.

Have you ever seen those Biblical paintings of Lucifer as an angel? You know, the ones that show him before he grew a tail and started walking around on hooves? They leave one in little doubt as to who was the first ever meterosexual. Clean shaven, wavy long hair and a bare chest that looks as if it’s been waxed. Meet the Lord of Darkness; with the word darkness obviously acting as a metaphor for male ass.

Back in the beginning when God told Lucifer to pack his shit up and get the fuck out of his house, what did Lucifer do? Did he turn around and tell God to go and fuck himself? No. Did he start a rising? No. Instead, he went off somewhere deep underground to sulk like a big raging Emo. And if that wasn’t bad enough, he also started to dress up like a furry. And what does the common furry do you might ask? He wears animal suits and let’s other men give it to him from behind. Way to go Satan! Take one for the team!

When the Lord of Darkness finally decides to stop being a big girls blouse down in hell, he pops up to possess a few people. But who does he choose? The most useless age groups he can find: Elderly people and children. Now don’t get me wrong or anything. I’m all for old people and children getting harmed; I just don’t see them as beneficial targets for somebody who wants to take over another person’s body. You could at least aim for the odd martial arts expert or war-ravaged commando. At least they might be of some use, unlike the others, who spend their time vomiting in bed, regardless of whether they’re actually possessed or not.

Just this morning, I interviewed one of the world’s leading experts in Theology, Dr Ian Pittsberg, and proceeded to ask him if there was any substance behind my theory.

Me: Hi Ian, thanks for giving me the time of day to talk to you.
Dr Pittsberg: Oh no problem at all Mr Hellbrain. Quite frankly, I’m in debt to you after the wonderful job that you did with my kids. Now they come straight home after school to do all of their homework. Although I have noticed that John does spend a lot of time looking at the poker through the corner of his eye. I must ask, what’s your secret?
Me: I use the very latest in child psychology. That’s all that I can say.
Dr Pittsberg: Oh.... right.
Me: Anyway Ian, I was just wondering. Was Satan gay?
Dr Pittsberg: Yes.

So there you have it folks. Even the experts agree with me.

Another thing that reinforces my theory is that new meg of his. You know, the curly one that makes him look as if he’s from San Francisco? Now all he needs is a Hawaiian shirt and a new exotic nickname such as Fernando. I can see him now, dancing away to Cuban music and sipping martinis. What a pussy. No wonder he’s in my closet folding clothes with Chuck Norris.

12 comments:

  1. You, sir, are a big excuse for an anti-Satan person. By demanding other people worship you like you're some kind of god, then you're no better than that demon.

    For your information, demanding other people to bow down to you is sick-minded 'cause you're not god and never will be. Therefore, it's wrong to worship you since you're human me.

    How would you like if other people forced you worship them blindly? If you do and you suffer the consequences for it, don't blame me. instead, blame yourself.

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    Replies
    1. I forgot to put "like" between "human" and "me." My mistake.

      But you know, Hellbrain? Worshipping you is completely wrong because you never created humanity. Therefore, you don't deserve to be served. Besides, a true leader serves others more than they serve him or her.

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    2. Fuck that pussy ass Mothafucka Satan bitch.. u tell That bitch Satan come get his heart.. I got it in a jar . Pussy to scared to get if u worship Satan u a bitch ass Mothafucka and a pussy. Kuz I killed that bitch satan..

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    3. ^ I don't worship Satan, you prick! So don't fuckin 'assume that I do! I have really good reason to hate that damn demon!

      But you're just as bad as he is. So if you want to be a hypocritical cunt, go fuck yourself to death.

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    4. Another thing that I want to tell you Joseph/Joe is that you didn't kill him. You only think that you did because you're such a fuckin' deluded bastard. But then again, you have shit for brains.

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  2. Another thing that I want to tell you is that you're no better than the Devil.

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    Replies
    1. Nigga fuck the devil.. you Right Im not better I'm above that pussy ass bitch.. u tell Satan come see me he so Mothafuckin bad..IL cut that pussy throat lucifer is a pussy and i keep his heart in a jar tell that bitch come get it

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    2. You know what, Joe? You and the Devil can fuck each other in Hell for all I care.

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    3. So you called me me a nigga, Joe. You blind son of a bitch. I'm not black. Also, you have no right to go around bein' racist to anyone. Doin' that can make others beat the crap out of you. Hell, I'dl iek to see that happen to you for bein' such a delusional an' prejudiced asshole.

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  3. You, Joe, are such a big ass liar for claimin' that I'm a nigger when I'm not black. You don't know me. So you're fucked up in the head by makin' false assumptions about me.

    Telling me to fuck Satan is like asking to have your ass kicked. Because you aren't any better than the Devil, why don't you send yourself to Hell and live with him there forever like the life troll you are?

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