Thursday, April 16, 2009

Rules to live by

One guy whose opinion actually matters to me is called Maxi Cane. Not so long ago, I came across one of his posts, which he named The Men Commandments. I was so impressed by these set of rules that I lobbied my local TDs and demanded that they help push these man laws into legislation. After five formal warnings and a court appearance, I finally gave up, discontent with the fact that our politicans actually have the right to live. So, read up. Maybe you might learn something.

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I have already put the world to rights, or at least I thought I had. It’s just as well I left it open for a sequel.

Men the world over are letting the fucking side down and I have got to do something about it. WE have got to do something about it.

I simply will not stand for anymore of it. Here you’ll find another list of what some “men” are getting up to, it must stop.

1. Thou shalt not count calories

This is how a man should look. If you’re man isn’t man enough to look like this before you know it he’ll be raiding the tampons and gorging on Special K. Is that what you want?

Men - if your woman ever looks at you and mutters “Do you really need a straw in that gravy?”, you should fight back. Never resort to violence, for we are more cunning than that. Simply turn the tables and respond with “Fuck you, you fat cunt”. It’s all about subtle psychology. If she still gets upset it’s only because she’d have to spend a fortune on surgery to get tits like yours.

2. Thou shalt not use internet speak like “OMG”, “LOL” or “Semi colon, close bracket” in actual face to face conversation.

I swear to holy jeebus that I actually witnessed two grown men using these phrases while talking to each other in a coffee shop the other day. They were both wearing suits, both were not taking the piss, both were talking about their wives and kids. If I wasn’t so disgusted at their behaviour I would have wrestled them to the ground and slowly dragged my sweaty scrotum across their top lips. Having said that they probably would have tweeted the whole fucking thing while rofl-ing. Cunts.

3. Thou shalt not watch soaps

No one cares if Phil Mitchell is fucking Vera Duckworth, or what any loser character on Fair City is up to. Next time I see a man sitting down to an omnibus of Emmerdale Farm with a nice cup of tea I’ll send Twink over to drag her sweaty scrotum over their faces. I would threaten to dip their nuts into a cup of electrified leprosy, but any man who is up to speed on any of these programmes traded in their marbles for a nice comfy vagina a long time ago.

4. Men who drink cocktails

Does he look manly? No, he looks so precious and innocent. At night when he’s helped all of his female friends pick up the men he’s been eyeing up all night, he goes home and cries himself to sleep while wanking over Telly Bingo on the Sky Plus. He hates himself, his mixed drinks do little to shield his mixed past and emotions from the world no matter how many colours or umbrellas-ellas-ellas he loads in there. Poignant? No, gay.

5. Be fashion conscious

Gok Wan is a cunt. There he is there in the middle and he looks more feminine than any of those women. At least I think they’re women and I think he’s a man. Either way, he may just be surrounded by a circle of naked women and he’s more concerned with his designer glasses and custom made shirt. Ironic that he should have a program called “How to look good naked” when I bet he looks like a giant shaven quim with no clothes on. Be honest Gok, and call the program “How not to look like a furry burger”, because you’d be taking your own advice by not wearing those hideous glasses, bitch.

1 comment:

  1. Who the heck are you to make rules to every person in this world? You're not their boss. So take those rules of yours and shove 'em up your keister, you whiner.

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