Wednesday, April 8, 2009

My interview with Ronan Keating

Me: Hi Ronan. Firstly I’d like to thank you for giving me the chance to interview you. I must say, it was pretty tedious trying to track you down.
Ronan: Eh, who are you? I didn’t agree to any interview? You just knocked on my door and told me that you were here to fix the refrigerator.
Me: Look Ronan, let’s not waste time arguing over specifics.
Ronan: Don't mind me asking, but, why are you holding that knife?
Me: As I said Ronan, let’s not waste any time arguing over specifics.
Ronan: Uh, ok then. Em, what question would you like to ask me?
Me: Questions, Ronan; questions.
Ronan: Ok. Eh, shoot. I guess.
Me: Does anyone, besides married mothers and coma patients, actually buy your music?
Ronan: Good question. Well, to be honest, I’m not really sure. I haven’t really looked into-
Me: Ronan! Be honest!
Ronan: I am. You see, we don’t actually know who’s buying-
Me: Ronan!
Ronan: Ok, no. Not that I’m aware of. Next question please.
Me: When you said that life was like a rollercoaster, were you talking about the kind of rollercoasters that are fun to ride or the one’s that stop mid-air, fall off the track and kill everyone on board?
Ronan: Em, the first one. I think.
Me: So, what you basically meant to say is that life is fun and full of laughter? That’s a little insensitive don’t you think? What about those starving children in Africa, Ronan? How do you think they’d feel about some denim-wearing cunt from Ireland who writes songs about how life is so effortlessly fucking great?
Ronan: No no no no, I think you’ve misunderstood the meaning of the song. I was basically trying to point out the fact that life is one big rollercoaster that is full of ups and downs. And that you just have to ride it.
Me: Kind of like your mother then eh Ronan?
Ronan: Did you seriously just insult my mother?
Me: No?
Ronan: You did. You just said “like your mother then eh Ronan?”.
Me: No I didn’t.
Ronan: Yes you did. I even went back and read it again.
Me: Read what again?
Ronan: Never mind.
Me: Moving on. So, why the Denim, Ronan?
Ronan: Well, when Boyzone split up and we all went our separate ways, I felt as if I needed a new image that was kind of more grown up, if you know what I mean.
Me: So basically you felt as if wearing Denim could somehow give you an image that would mask the fact that you have the personality of a plank of wood?
Ronan: Yes.
Me: You and Enda Kenny should do a duet.
Ronan: Why?
Me: Well he doesn’t have a personality either. In fact, if you were to carry around a cardboard cut-off of him, people probably wouldn’t even notice the difference.
Ronan: Heh, that’s probably true.
Me: Ok, let’s not get sidetracked talking about Enda Kenny. This interview is about you and how shit you are.
Ronan: Ah cmon! That’s a little harsh now! I wouldn’t really say that I’m exactly shit. Maybe a little crappy, or even a little bit dirt, but shit, well that’s kind of pushing it.
Me: *sings* “LIFE IS JUST LIKE A ROLLERCOASTER, YOU JUST GOTTA RIDE IT.”
Ronan: Ok, you’ve proved your point.
Me: As always. On another note, what do you have to say about those rumours flying around that say you regularly beat your children?
Ronan: What the fuck?! I've never even heard such a rumour.
Me: So you're not denying it?
Ronan: Of course I am! I'd never beat my children!
Me: That's a pity.
Ronan: What?! Why!?
Me: I mean, they look like a shower of brats that could do with a few backhanders.
Ronan: That's a God damn terrible thing to say. I feel sorry for your children. If the state allowed you to have any.
Me: Don't question my parenting skills. I beat my children as a preventative measure.
Ronan: What does that mean?
Me: It means that I beat them regardless of whether they actually did something wrong or not.
Ronan: How on earth does that serve any good?!!!
Me: Well, being the great father I am, I know that they're going to eventually end up doing something that I will disapprove of in the future, so why not just beat them now and get it over and done with?
Ronan: I'm ringing child services after this interview.
Me: Hey if you ever need a babysitter, just give me a call. I'll throw in a few kicks and maybe the odd piledriver for free. *hands Ronan a business card*
Ronan: *makes sure his wife isn't looking and takes it*
Me: So, the name “Boyzone”. That was a pretty perverted band name wasn’t it?
Ronan: No?! How was that perverted?
Me: Well, the name is kind of implying that there is a zone that is full of boys. Were you guys referencing Vietnam or Thailand?
Ronan: That’s sick! The fact that you would even suggest such a-
Me: Little defensive aren’t we?
Ronan: You just insinuated that Boyzone was a group full of paedophiles!
Me: No. No I didn’t. I mentioned the names of two countries. The fact that you equate the names of those two countries with paedophilia says more about you than it does about me!
Ronan: Since the news coverage surrounding Gary Glitter and his little trip to Asia, everybody practically does! That doesn’t make me a kiddy fiddler!
Me: Stop trying to make excuses Ronan. This interview is over. I’m reporting you and the rest of your paedophile ring to the Gardai. Enjoy being buggered in prison, you sicko.
Ronan: You just entered my house with a butcher knife. You’re hardly in any position to make such threats!
Me: Who are they going to believe? A knife-wielding psycho, or Ronan Keating?
Ronan: I’ll go and say goodbye to my family.

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