Sunday, April 19, 2009

A few things that annoy me

People who chew with their mouth open need to be kicked in the spine. End of story. There is nothing more annoying than having to listen to some somebody smacking and crunching and gnawing on their food. The sound of their saliva mixing with their food; those short deep breaths that come out in between swallowing. It all makes me want to shoot up a post office. The sound of somebody biting into an apple alone sends me into such a rage that you could actually fry a full Irish breakfast on my forehead. If somebody starts eating a packet of crisps while I'm trying to watch television, I usually tighten my fist, grit my teeth and picture myself doing the fucking Riverdance on their face.

You know that "Not Responding" message that you see every now and again whenever your computer freezes? Yea well it's those two words that have led to Bill Gates being put on my list of people who need to be tarred and feathered in public. It's pretty safe to say that I have no patience for anything, let alone a slow computer (tell me to buy a Mac and I'll slit your throat) that doesn't work as quickly as it should. The last time this message reared it's ugly head, I picked up my computer and fucked it out onto a motorway, causing a fifty-car pile up that killed thirteen people. Originally only ten people had died, but a few more were added to the toll when I found out that three Liverpool supporters were among the wounded.

Why do so many people love horses? All a horse ever does is take huge shits and stare at people. What fucking good is that? They also require a lot of care, which basically means that they're a species of pussies. There's also something about the length of a horse's face that makes me want to punch it. I don't know why. It's just that feeling I get.


  1. Despite my low opinion of you, I'm pleased that you hate horses as much as I do.

  2. Oh boy, what a baby you are.