Thursday, April 9, 2009


Man I hate children. I really fucking do. Somebody needs to figure out a way for me to beat as many children as possible and get away with it. The other morning, I was in a rush to get to the bank so that I could cry into the ATM machine, when a group of young girls decided that it would be a great idea to hold me up by walking at a snail's pace in front of me. They zig-zagged, slowed down and stopped in a repetitive, yet entirely randomated fashion, as if they were rehearsing some sort of pantomine play dead in the middle of the fucking street. This of course, enraged me.
It was while I was in the process of face-dunking the girl in the wheelchair into the deepest puddle that I could find when it finally dawned on me that this random act of violence wasn't just for my own pleasure, but that it was also for the benefit of our society. Yes. I was in fact, teaching this young girl that her disability was no excuse for having a lack of manners. Never again would she hold up others trying to walk up a steep hill by endlessly complaining about the pains in her chest.

After spending the rest of the morning turning my new wheelchair into a go-cart, I gave it some more thought while I still had the rush of social justice coursing through my veins. Why shouldn't school teachers be given the right to beat their pupils? Children get away with everything in school these days, so why shouldn't we pass a law that allows teachers to use their footwear as a weapon of discipline? Admittedly, that might lead to more teachers coming to school on rollerblades, but hey, at least we're cutting emissions, right?

That brings me to my next question. Why shouldn't paedophiles be put to use and be given the legal authority to rape young hoodlems? Just picture it before you get all vitriolic on me! A gang of hooded youths with acne are standing outside your shop, smoking cigarettes and spitting like camels, frightening your customers away and in turn, losing you money. You have nobody else to turn to, especially seeing as the Gardai are nothing but a bunch of overpaid shitehawks. So, what do you do? I'll tell you what you do! You pick up the phone, hit the speed dial for paedophile and WHAM, fifteen child rapists descend on the scene ready to kick some ass. Or pound some ass. Or fondle some ass. Or whatever those hip young sex offenders are calling it these days. Problem solved? Oh you fucking bet.

1 comment:

  1. I may not like children as much you don't. But I can tell that you're no better them.