Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Bitches

I was in a nightclub last Saturday night when a fight between two young girls broke out right in front of me. I watched, smirked a little, threw in the odd kick or two and continued on drinking my bottle of Stella as if nothing had ever happened. Shortly afterwards, I chatted to some random guy about the finer points of women beating. I told him about my Olympic medals in the sport and even showed him some mobile phone pictures of me in training. He looked a little bit shocked to be honest, but then again that's not surprising because I'd probably be shocked too if I ever met a guy as effortlessly manly as me.

Anyway, about a minute later, the two girls from the previous fight crossed paths again. They both grabbed each other's hair and refused to let go. I stepped in, with a belly full of vodka and lager and proceeded to try and separate them. Admittedly, I wasn't really trying to stop the fight at all; I was just trying to add extra weight to their attempt at pulling each other's hair out. To me, it seemed like a pretty good idea. With the hair loss and all. That was, until one of them grabbed my arm in the chaos and proceeded to scrab the shit out of it, leaving me with several cuts (all of which healed in 10.323 seconds).

The biggest question that arose as a result of all of this was; how on earth could she possibly mistake my arm for that of another girls? I mean, I have muscle on top of muscle, so much to the point that I have to walk around with my arms resting in wheelbarrows, which, if you must know, are pulled by the two Romanian kids that eat cats and sleep in my garden shed. Anyway, I didn't waste much time pondering over such a question. Instead, I sided with the other girl and helped deliver a swift ass kicking. It only took three headbutts to put the bitch on her back. Although the fact that it was Easter weekend and I was wearing a crown of thorns as a mark of respect might have helped shorten the whole process. Either way, victory was sweet.

2 comments:

  1. You, sir, are an enormously disrespectful jerk.

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  2. If you don't learn to be tactful and apply it, you'll suffer the consequences for it.

    ReplyDelete