Sunday, March 29, 2009

Pat Kenny is an insufferable arsehole

So, Pat Kenny last night announced that he’s quitting the Late Late Show. I guess that the blatantly obvious question now is: who is going to replace this exciting charismatic individual that we have all come to cherish over the past ten years? How on earth are they going to find somebody as effortlessly funny and as witty as him? How will they find someone as spontaneous, as biting and as no holds barred? RTE certainly do have a dilemma on their hands. They can either replace him with Ryan Tubridy, a mongrel who in all fairness, pushes the national average of ugliness up to a whole new level that has been previously unknown to man and dismissed as impossible by scientists, or they can play it smart and listen to the advice of one the greatest men to have ever walked this planet.


Just this morning, I was popping into the local Centra to buy myself a can of Red Bull so that I could keep myself awake after a long night of being nearly too awesome, when I seen the story painted across the front of all of our national rags. It was a bit of a pleasant sight to be honest, or should I say a relief; to not see another day of newspaper headlines dedicated to a BREAKING NEWS story about some woman in Essex who had died of cancer. Anyway, after a few seconds, the greatest idea to ever grace a man’s mind hit me like a drunken husband after losing his wages in the bookies.


WHAT IF?! We don’t replace him at all. Yes! That’s it! Or better yet! How about we find a photo of the man, frame it and then place it in his chair, so that during the show we can still get to experience that witty elephant-like presence of his! We could even bring back that drunken legend that accosted him on stage and called him an insufferable arsehole so that he can spend an entire slot calling Pat’s picture a whole load of names. The crowd could be given bingo cards with swear words on them and the lucky person who wins gets to take the drunken fart home and keep him as a pet!


Imagine the Christmas special? Pat’s picture could be hung from a thin piece of string and floated around the stage. If one of the little brats happens to act up, the person controlling the string can use it to strangle them. Just think about it; is there anything greater than watching children being mortally wounded on live television? That is of course, a rhetorical question. Not just because the answer is an obvious “no”, but also because on a scale of importance to me, your opinion lies somewhere between the latest cricket results and PETA’s next press release.
If they need to add a few vocals to his presence on stage, just for added measure, they could use Samuel Jackson’s voice over.


Of course, after a few years of success, Pat’s picture will inevitably end up growing a massive uncontainable ego and refuse to take a pay cut while staff on much lower salaries get laid off. That brings me to my last point.


Gerry Ryan is a fat useless cunt.

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