Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Hellbrain's Agony Aunt Corner

Here are some actual submissions (in all their spelling mistakes and glory) that I found on an agony aunt website. I figured that seeing as I'm a pretty awesome guy, who is perfect in almost every single way; that I could help those less fortunate than myself by lending them my God-like advice.

Sandy wrote:

"My boyfriend is 52 and I am 20. The sex between us is good for as long as it lasts. Foreplay like 30 minutes ans sex like 2minutes. We been together for a year and made a son together. The other day I was putting desensitizing gel on his penis and he got upset cuz it was slippery. I got mad and turned over in bed. He said I was selfish and that I wasn't leaving until he got up in me. We left and we didn't have sex. The ride to my house was quiet because I was upset. After calling me selfish I said to him " your selfish because you com suring sex and fall asleep and im left unsatisfied" was that wrong to say? Its like im frusterated cuz I want him to make me orgasm so bad. I've mentioned pill for stamina but he ignores me[ I guess its his pride] anyway should I just go out and buy then from gnc or something or drag him into the store? Its been a year we haven't had good sex and im desperatly ready. How can I bribe him into taking them?"

Hi Sandy. Can I ask you a question? At what precise moment in time did you decide that it was rational to question the sex drive of a 52 year old man? I would have thought that the majority of girls would have been content with the fact that he's still alive. But obviously not, seeing as you would prefer to spend your free time on an agony aunt website, bitching about the fact that your 52 year old partner isn't a walking vibrator! In the time that it took you to wrote that badly-spelled post, you could have mopped the floor and maybe even started making dinner. You know what Sandy? You're lucky that he only ignores you, because to be honest, if I was him, I'd probably lock you in the basement.


Sara wrote:

my ex broke up with me because i cheated on him with a family member.. we are now planning to meet face to face so we can talk things over, but am having a fling with his best friend again which is still unsolved and he has not heard of it just yet..am afraid if he happens to hear about it he would nt want to settle things with me anymore.. and he would not forgive me for the second time since he already forgave me for the cheating and now an affair with a friend again, what should i do to prevent him from finding out a bout my cell phone relationship with his best friend ? please help

So let me get this straight. You're afraid that your ex won't want to fix things with you if he finds out that you're still having a fling with his best friend? Well a-fucking DUUUUUUUR you fucking dipshit. How long did it take for you to arrive at that conclusion? Not only are you a gigantic tart, but judging by the stupidity of your question, you're also about as sharp as a group of Down Syndromes trying to brainstorm.

Here's a piece of advice: Stop being such a whore.


Tom wrote:

Hey guys, I've got an issue that’s eating me up inside, and I'd really appreciate some opinions on the situation.


This is a long story but I'll try to keep it simple.I started going to university a few weeks ago, and I met the coolest girl...we've been hanging out a lot, and I've been crazy about her the whole time. She always wanted to see me, touching me during conversation, making heaps of eye contact and all that...I thought she liked me for sure.She was telling me how her last boyfriend treated her pretty badly, and that she moved down here to get away from him. She told me that I'm the awesomest guy she’s met in a long as time (her words), so I was all ready to tell her how I feel about her.Then her ex-boyfriend visited last weekend, and long story short, she got back with him. This literally happened on the day I was gonna ask her out, so I was left feeling confused and hurt. She got back with this guy, who she told me all about, what a bastard he was to her, etc...Now the issue:About a day or two after she got back with her ex boyfriend, she's all ready been having big arguments with him, about the same bad stuff that she told me about: him secretly using drugs and selling them, and being a real control freak.She's noticed that I've been really quiet and withdrawn around her, ever since she told me about her getting back with this guy...because I’m basically in love her, and can't believe what is happening. I can't even look at her in the eye without feeling wounded and stupid.She wants me to tell her what's wrong with me. She is very concerned.Do I admit my true feelings, and risk having my heart ripped out? She secretly rejected me when she got back with this guy, and I probably couldn't handle it if she rejected me once she knows how I feel. But I could be missing out on something amazing by being silent.I just want her to be happy, and I can't stand to see her unhappy with the ex boyfriend. I know I could make her happy, given the chance...Thanks to anyone who actually read all of that, I really really appreciate it.

You're right. That was a long story. It's just a pity that the whole story was about how much of a big blubbering girls blouse you are. Here's a fact that you should probably take into consideration: Girls like arseholes. Why? Because arseholes don't spend their spare time writing lengthy anonymous touchy-feely posts on the Internet!


Rochelle wrote:

What is your take on this. my partner in life has had a child with TI during the course of our relationship. I became aware of this after the child was born, that is 4mths ago. TI now finds herself in my neighborhood in which my sister also lives and parades in front of my sisters house with the child. How would you handle this? Do you think she is trying to send a message

How would I handle this? Well Rochelle, I'd probably find the largest person I possibly could and then pay them good money to punch me in the nose and call me a paranoid cunt. Then, I'd pay them again. And again. This cycle would then repeat itself until I either run out of blood or money.

Bring your credit card. Psycho.











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