Saturday, March 28, 2009

My plan for kicking the recession in the balls

This morning, I was busy looking in the mirror and congratulating myself for being the master of the universe, when I suddenly came up with a great idea that could help put an end to this economic crisis that we've been going through.

Here is my economic plan:
  • Anyone who even mentions the word recession will be gang raped.
  • Every women in Ireland will be forced to leave their job, pack their shit up and move to one big kitchen somewhere in the midlands to make sandwiches. This will not only free up jobs for the real workers among us, but it was also go a long way towards putting an end to world hunger.
  • Talk radio stations will be banned from polluting us with their constant bitching and moaning. Matt Cooper will be shot. His family deported.
  • RTE News will be forced to supply us with happy uplifting news about puppies being saved from house fires and children falling down wells.
  • Anyone who was on social welfare before the credit crisis arrived will have their weekly "earnings" cut in half. The money left over from this will be used to buy houses.
  • These state-owned houses will then be rented out to college students, who are stupid enough to pay ridiculous rates for shitty accommodations.
  • All leading bank figures will be rounded up and put into concentration camps, where they will knit jumpers. These jumpers will then be sold to dumbass Americans who think that having a Great Great Great Great Grandfather who went on holiday to Ireland once, renders them Irish.
  • We'll also start selling "Irish Soil" to homesick Irish people in Australia. This soil will be carefully mixed with anthrax so that we wont have to deal with a mass influx of prodigal Irish people looking for jobs once the credit crisis ends.
  • Children will be forced to take up smoking. I'm not sure how this might help the economy; but I'm pretty sure that it would be funny anyway.
  • Children will also be forced stay at home on their own. If Hollywood has thought us anything, which I think we can all agree it has, it's that leaving children unattended at home often leads to hilarious consequences and possibly the capturing of international criminal gangs (see Home Alone for instance).
  • All prisoners will be deported to some island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, where they can spend the rest of their days warding off lepers and avoiding cannibals. This will be made into a reality television show called "Help I'm a Convict and I'm about to be eaten by a cannibal with leprosy, get me out of here". It will then be shown to small children in order to make them think twice about becoming criminals.

So there we have it.

3 comments:

  1. Yes. Yes I see how this could all work. I have some questions, though. What kind of sandwiches would the women be making?

    What kind of underwater policies would your party have?

    Captain Con O'Sullivan.

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  2. The women will of course make whatever kind of sandwiches that us men tell them to.

    Irish fishermen will be allowed to not only catch as much fish as they like, they'll also be allowed to attack Spanish trawlers and dolphins.

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  3. May Irish fishermen also follow the example of their Somalian Comrades and begin attcking the inernational shipping lanes...free oil anyone?


    The Don

    ReplyDelete