Sunday, March 29, 2009

Birth of a superhero

Yesterday, I was waiting in line for the chance to buy myself a shoulder of vodka so that I could get drunk and forget about the fact that the majority of people suck and should therefore go and die in a fire, when an old tired-looking bitch stepped right in front of me just as I was about to get served. I was actually so shocked and stuck for words at the sight of this hag blatantly cutting me off that I decided not to say anything. Instead, I grabbed a child that was standing nearby and threw him at her. After giving a few swift kicks to both the old woman and the young boy as they lay on the floor, I brushed my jacket off, kissed the picture of myself that I keep in my front pocket and handed the cashier my money. As I walked off, swigging from the vodka that I had just purchased, a fat security guard came running at me from behind. I quickly turned around and beat the guy so hard with the back of my hand that he dropped several waist sizes and shit in his pants. It was then that I knew what my calling in life was. Old people. And more importantly; their immediate extermination.

I got home later that night and started to get to work on a costume that I could wear while out on the job. I spent several hours going through ideas and finally settled on the thought of wearing a grey suit and a featureless green mask in order to hide my true identity. Although this would mean that people would have to miss out on seeing my extraordinarily handsome and manly facial features, I figured that I didn’t have a choice in the matter, especially seeing as how society seems to frown upon those who dish out a plate of kick ass to the elderly. Now all I needed was a catchy name that children could quote whenever their grandparents didn’t give them any money. I threw around a couple of names in my head, but couldn’t pinpoint one that would suit me and my mission in life. It was then that I got a sudden text message from my mother, who was telling me that I was going to straight to hell for what I did to her two cats. I was busy smiling to myself and wishing that my mother had more cats for me to play with when it suddenly hit me. Hellbrain! It was perfect. Not only would I be sending old aged pensioners to hell, but my teachers had often said that my brain should be declared as a biological weapon. It’s a pity that they’re all dead now.

So off I went into the night, seeking out old people who were making a nuisance of themselves. I was barely just on the job for half an hour when I located my first enemy. An elderly woman with a brown fur hat was doing 30km in a 60km zone, and was therefore holding up the traffic, much to the dismay of the people behind her, who were too pussy to ram her and steal her tyres. It was time for action. I took a quick swig of my vodka and jumped down off the roof that I was perched on. I landed straight on her car roof, making a huge crashing sound and leaving a dent. It was then that I got down onto her front bonnet and put my foot through her window screen, kicking her in the jaw and sending shards of glass flying everywhere. I’d like to think that those pieces of glass went on to mortally wound a few small children standing on the sidewalk, but I’m not too sure seeing as I was a little bit too busy teaching an old woman how to drive to see. After my foot connected with her face, the woman went down almost too easily. The car suddenly picked up speed, swung out of control and started to head straight towards a huge brick wall. Using my cat-like reflexes that I had nursed and trained over years of playing Snap, I did a back flip off the car, lit a cigarette mid-air and landed on my feet, puffing away contently to myself as the car smashed straight into the wall and blew up. People cheered. Children wanted my autograph and dogs wanted me to bring them home and name them. I had done some good in the world. But I knew that it was only the beginning. Things were going to change around here.

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