Monday, March 30, 2009

The Beat Breakfast Radio Show

Firstly, allow me to point out the fact that The Beat Breakfast show is unfortunately not a show about the beating of women or any other kind of defenceless animal. I know, I know. I had my hopes high at first too, but what can you do? Beat the shit out of women of course.

Nonetheless, I do actually like to listen to the show on those early weekday mornings when the cold Irish Spring breeze is riding me up the arse and getting in the way of me and my cigarette creating a cancer baby. Why? Well, it's simply because of the fact that they don't try to be too funny. And when they do, they do it in a way that lets you know that they know they're trying to be funny. Which I admire. I do however, have a few tips on how to make the show even better.

  1. Have a slot where Vinnie rings up old people and verbally abuses them for half an hour.

  2. Start drinking live on air once the show starts, so that we the audience, can get to witness a gradual decline in the coherency.

  3. Whenever Mary puts forward her view on a topic, Niall and Vinnie should both make sexist remarks about how women shouldn't really have an opinion.

  4. Whenever somebody scores badly on Beat The Bomb, don't sugar coat their stupidity by making half-assed excuses about how the questions were more difficult than usual and so on. Instead, just block their number so they'll never get another chance to infect others with their retardation again. Who rings up a radio station to answer general knowledge questions when they know THAT they know absolutely nothing? A retard, that's who.

  5. I still think that the bride for Two Strangers and a Wedding should have been picked based on her cooking and cleaning skills. I can honestly say that I didn't want to listen to Lady tell me all about how she didn't like guys spitting. Hopefully you practise what you preach, Lady.

  6. Somebody needs to kidnap Niall's cats and hold them hostage for a few days. This way, the kidnapper can ring Niall live on air and give him a whole bunch of clues that he must follow in order to get them back safe and sound. Maybe even send him a tail or two? I don't know and I don't care as long as small animals are being harmed in the process.

  7. Every week, the Beat Breakfast crew should read through the obituaries, pretend as if they know somebody that is "featured" and proceed to spend an hour or so disagreeing with all of the nice things that were written about them. Replace words such as "loving" with "cock-smoking" and "dearly beloved" with "kiddy fiddler." This will insult a lot of people and therefore be very funny.

  8. Forgive me if I'm wrong, but I really don't think that Niall and Vinnie are doing enough to insult disabled people. They could about go about doing this by asking everyone who rings into the show if they're confined to a wheelchair or not. If the person says that they are; the next noise should be the sound of a phone being hung up; promptly followed by the playing of that song from the Muller advert.

Ok, ok, one last point for the road. Niall really needs to seriously stop being so proud of being from Waterford. Let's do a small comparison shall we?


  • JFK
  • The 1798 Rebellion
  • Wexford Cheddar
  • Strawberries


  • John 'O Shea

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